Happily Never After Day

 

Happily Never After Day

                    Today is the day before the last day

                    Not exactly the very last day

                    But the last day of 40 years

                    Hopefully, anyway

                    Not that I ever hoped for any of this

                    I never hoped for any of this

                    I never imagined any of this

                    But here it is

                    Inflicted on me like a savage and rabid animal bite

                        on my once idyllic life

                    The thing done by them, for only them

                    That has brought me and him

                    To this day before the last day

                    An ending, a beginning

                    For me and him

                    For them

                    For this thing

                    I need to be done with

                    I keep believing and seeing all I know I have lost

                    I don't know how you don't do that

                    When the life you knew

                    Is suddenly and viciously taken away from you

                    He took much from himself too

                    Even more than me

                    It seems

                    But

                    The loss of me and the kids and the house and

                        all the bridges we built

                    Were worth what he gained, I suppose

                    As, he has recklessly abandoned and burnt

                        all of that down

                            to the ground

                    I keep telling myself

                    This tomorrow day

                    Is the end of my one life

                    But the beginning of another

                    A new

                    Promising, even

                    A day that could and should and can

                    Resolve the uncertainty

                    The months of chaos I have been going through

                    It can be this day

                    That ends not just the forty year thing

                    I have most of my life clung to

                    But

                    The day

                    I become someone new

                    Not broken and defeated

                    Not thrown away like a ravaged and torn apart carcass

                        in the trash

                    But

                    A woman

                    With much to offer

                    Not just the world

                    From all I have been through

                    But

                    To another man one day

                    That gets to have the new me

                    I intend to nurture and create

                    Beyond tomorrow

                    Beyond the

                        happily never after day

                        of him and me

                        

                           

                    

                    

                    

                    

                    

Avalanche

 

Avalanche

                    Nearly every day in recent weeks

                    I write my words

                    My thoughts

                    I put my tears and fears into rhymes and sentences

                        I somehow hope can describe

                        some of what I'm going through

                        in these worst of times

                    It's strange to me

                    That it is at this point

                    Where so many emotions have gathered

                        in such a way that they need to be heard

                    As ...

                    It was at the beginning

                    Five months ago

                    And so many hours and days after

                    That an avalanche of feelings

                        held me hostage

                        and set in motion the sadness and fear and rage that stole all my laughter

                    But they were trapped somehow

                    Between the beginning and now

                    Intentionally, unintentionally inside of me

                    It is now, though

                    Nearing the end of this destructive thing

                    That my mind has 

                    Like a very long piece of string

                        pulled all the thoughts and feelings

                        I have been holding inside of me

                        from the beginning of this thing until now

                            into lines and words and rhymes

                            that are screaming each day to get out

                    Stringing my thoughts and words to paper

                    Is a release

                    It is also torture

                    As ...

                    It drags the feelings I've hid so masterfully

                    Out onto a page

                    Where all can plainly see

                        my defeat

                    Where, each time I read the words

                    I am again reminded of the constant hurt

                    Where, I am forced to travel in time

                        back to that one day

                        I found out that he had betrayed me

                    What is the cliche about sticks and stones and words?

                    Words hurt

                    They hurt tremendously and harmfully and sometimes completely

                    I asked him

                    "So, you don't want me anymore? You want her?"

                    He said, "Yes."

                    It only took one word

                        to destroy me

                    Not a string of words, just one word

                    That set off the avalanche 

                        of all the words now inside of me

                        that have been trapped beneath a cloak of rage

                        to escape

                        from my mind 

                            to words on a page

                    

                    My words don't change not even one thing

                    For better or worse

                    But what I do hope is that one day

                    I won't feel anymore words about this one thing

                        needing to be heard ...

                    

                    

                            

                    

The Parts

 

The Parts

                    There are small parts of me

                    Struggling to save the larger parts of me

                        that are wandering aimlessly

                    I try hard on most days

                    To wrangle

                        to gather the chaos

                        force it in line

                        behind the parts of me

                        that are desperate to pull me away from the haze    

                    Some days I succeed

                    To push all the chaos away

                        for moments at a time

                    And, it is in those moments

                    I come to believe

                        all the parts of me

                        will once again unite, align

                        without chaos controlling my mind

                    I think I am romanticizing those small parts of my life

                    That offer moments of reprise

                    It is my minds way of

                        striving to make some new, rewarding life for me

                        all the things I'm hoping it will be

                    I fail mostly

                    In these early day attempts

                    To straighten this thing

                    To blend it into anything actually defined

                    I am simply romanticizing small parts of my life

                        in a desperate attempt

                        to survive

                    I tell myself it is too early to expect a straight line

                        from the broken path that is now my life

                    I tell myself to give it time

                    But

                    The small parts of me

                        that remain vigilant and strong

                        ignore most reason and logic

                        they race and run and constantly try to wrangle

                        the panic and fear and anger and despair

                        behind and with and toward

                            the romantic parts of me

                            that want and believe

                                those are the parts

                                no matter how small

                                that will ultimately save me