This Mess

 

This Mess

                    He told one of my children

                    "She created this mess."

                    He is the one that cheated on me for many years

                    Not with some random person

                    But with my best friend

                    He is the one that stayed for forty years

                    Was in it with me up until the very end

                    And

                    The end was not a day he decided

                    Not a day he planned

                    It was the day I discovered

                    He was not just pretending to be my man

                    Not just carrying on like we were alright

                    But continuing to make plans for our future

                    Up until that day

                    Up until the day it ended

                    The day ...

                    I learned my love for him had been betrayed

                    Where in all the years

                    In all the calls between him and her

                    In all the secret dinners and meetings

                    In all the touches and words he gave to her

                    Was there room for me

                    Was there ways for me

                    Was there blame for me

                    To create this mess?

                    He trapped himself

                    Inside a web of so many lies

                    He's now trapped with her

                    Attempting to disguise

                    His new life was somehow a mess I made

                    I would never have made this mess of my life

                    I did not make this mess

                    I am caught in a mess

                    They made

                    He made

                    Of so many lives

                    

                    

                    

Vengeance

 

Vengeance

                    I wake most days crying

                    I'm not sure if tears are provoked by dreams

                    Or come immediately when I open my eyes

                    I don't want to believe

                    That even while I sleep

                    My mind finds no place to hide

                        from the sorrow that is burrowing into my life

                    My sadness is two fold

                    I have fear for the rest of my life

                    But

                    It is the disbelief

                    That he so suddenly no longer cared for me

                    That causes me the most strife

                    It is, that one day everything seemed fine

                    And then the very next day

                    He left me and all that was ours behind

                        To her bed

                        To her, as his new life

                    It is the rejection, the abandonment

                    Of, not just me, but our children

                    Our life, our marriage and home

                    Our plans, our pets, our past, our memories

                    Everything that seemed just fine

                    Until I found out

                    One Wednesday

                    He'd been living a secret life

                    Under my blind eyes

                    Behind my trusting back

                    He'd been secretly and blatantly

                    Risking all that we had

                    Not for days or months, even

                    But for years

                    With a best friend of mine

                    I don't know how to reconcile any of that

                    I try so hard to move on from sadness to anger

                    Anger will help me survive

                    I know this

                    And, the anger exists, absolutely

                    It is just not stronger yet

                        than the sorrow

                    I don't know when it will come

                    But ... I need it to come

                    I need to wake no more with tears

                    I need to wake tomorrow

                        with the strength that anger creates

                        to get me out of this

                        not feeling so broken and rejected

                        not feeling so lacking

                        not feeling so confused and abandoned

                    I need to wake tomorrow

                    Or soon

                    Free of this sadness I have for me

                    And I have for my children

                    I need to wake on the day

                    When my sorrow is replaced

                        with vengeance 

                    

                    

                    

                    

The Unicorn

 

The Unicorn

                    It's raining today

                    And, it got cold again

                    It's actually poetic in the cruelest way

                    One week ago, I had hoped my life would be made

                        into the something new

                        the something removed

                        from all I've been going through

                    It didn't happen that way

                    Nothing new came

                        except a very clear promise

                        that this destruction of my life

                        might never end

                        not in any way 

                        that finds me saved

                    My hands shake

                    Since that day a week ago

                    Tears are constant

                    I know I'm on a cusp

                    I know I'm nearing a bottom

                    I claw constantly, climb constantly, fight the battle

                        between him and me

                        and the one I fight with myself

                        the one with myself is the hardest, even

                            as I know I'm on a cusp

                            rain pouring down on me

                            cold taking my hope away

                                me, giving up on me

                    I try every day

                    To find ways to save me

                    Someone said to me, "You are a unicorn."

                    I had to Google what that means ...

                    When someone calls you a "unicorn," they are essentially saying

                        you are unique, special and rare, like a mythical creature,

                        implying that you possess qualities that are highly valued

                        and not commonly found in others.

                    So, there's that

                    I am on a cusp

                        of not just giving up on me

                        but on someone unique

                        someone others might see as special and rare

                        a mythical creature

                    I swear

                    I try every day

                    To find ways

                        to save her

                    But today

                    My hands shake and I am cold from the rain ...

                    

                    

                        

Flowers

 

Flowers

                    Today, I saw a man with flowers

                    I thought, "There you are," as he made his way to his car

                    "You're the man I want ...

                    One like you that stops his life

                    To go by a store

                    And buys flowers for his wife."

                    I know

                    They could have been flowers bought for several things

                    But in my heart I knew

                    He's the kind of man

                    There are kinds of men

                    That corner off parts of their days

                    Parts of their lives

                    To show a woman somewhere

                    They are seen and loved and heard

                    There are men

                    That cherish their wives

                    I can't say that I wasn't that at one time

                    Many years ago

                    To the man in my life

                    But ... I haven't been that

                    To him or anyone

                    For a very long time

                    So long, in fact

                    I lost myself inside irrelevance

                    So much so

                    I became invisible

                    Even to myself

                    Not my persona

                    I am a master at disguise

                    It was the inside parts of me

                    That forgot to be alive

                    Forgot to demand

                    Or even expect

                    Attention and adoration and the ultimate respect

                    A man gives the love of his life

                    Those things that prevent her from drowning and wandering

                        and vanishing and dying

                   

                    I didn't forget, really

                    I gave up

                    Begging for love

                    Is not receiving love

                    I eventually became too aware of that

                        Too late, but eventually

                    I should have known a long time ago

                    When I no longer received carnations or roses

                    That I was, not only, irrelevant that day

                    But irrelevant in his life

                    I received the signs in doses

                        that I ignored

                    You convince yourself

                    Of so many things

                    He's busy, he's tired, he's still here, so he's here

                    Those were his disguise

                    Lies

                    I did not see or recognize

                    There are far too many years

                    He simply wasted of my time

                    Wasted my life

                    Pretending

                    Deceiving

                    Betraying me with another

                    Too many years

                    That if he truly did not want me

                    Want our life

                    He could have released me

                    Maybe for me to find

                    A man

                    When I was younger and more in my prime

                    A man that might have shown me

                    Given me

                    A corner of his life

                    He'd carve out for me

                    And he'd show by ...

                        bringing me flowers