Avalanche

 

Avalanche

                    Nearly every day in recent weeks

                    I write my words

                    My thoughts

                    I put my tears and fears into rhymes and sentences

                        I somehow hope can describe

                        some of what I'm going through

                        in these worst of times

                    It's strange to me

                    That it is at this point

                    Where so many emotions have gathered

                        in such a way that they need to be heard

                    As ...

                    It was at the beginning

                    Five months ago

                    And so many hours and days after

                    That an avalanche of feelings

                        held me hostage

                        and set in motion the sadness and fear and rage that stole all my laughter

                    But they were trapped somehow

                    Between the beginning and now

                    Intentionally, unintentionally inside of me

                    It is now, though

                    Nearing the end of this destructive thing

                    That my mind has 

                    Like a very long piece of string

                        pulled all the thoughts and feelings

                        I have been holding inside of me

                        from the beginning of this thing until now

                            into lines and words and rhymes

                            that are screaming each day to get out

                    Stringing my thoughts and words to paper

                    Is a release

                    It is also torture

                    As ...

                    It drags the feelings I've hid so masterfully

                    Out onto a page

                    Where all can plainly see

                        my defeat

                    Where, each time I read the words

                    I am again reminded of the constant hurt

                    Where, I am forced to travel in time

                        back to that one day

                        I found out that he had betrayed me

                    What is the cliche about sticks and stones and words?

                    Words hurt

                    They hurt tremendously and harmfully and sometimes completely

                    I asked him

                    "So, you don't want me anymore? You want her?"

                    He said, "Yes."

                    It only took one word

                        to destroy me

                    Not a string of words, just one word

                    That set off the avalanche 

                        of all the words now inside of me

                        that have been trapped beneath a cloak of rage

                        to escape

                        from my mind 

                            to words on a page

                    

                    My words don't change not even one thing

                    For better or worse

                    But what I do hope is that one day

                    I won't feel anymore words about this one thing

                        needing to be heard ...

                    

                    

                            

                    

The Parts

 

The Parts

                    There are small parts of me

                    Struggling to save the larger parts of me

                        that are wandering aimlessly

                    I try hard on most days

                    To wrangle

                        to gather the chaos

                        force it in line

                        behind the parts of me

                        that are desperate to pull me away from the haze    

                    Some days I succeed

                    To push all the chaos away

                        for moments at a time

                    And, it is in those moments

                    I come to believe

                        all the parts of me

                        will once again unite, align

                        without chaos controlling my mind

                    I think I am romanticizing those small parts of my life

                    That offer moments of reprise

                    It is my minds way of

                        striving to make some new, rewarding life for me

                        all the things I'm hoping it will be

                    I fail mostly

                    In these early day attempts

                    To straighten this thing

                    To blend it into anything actually defined

                    I am simply romanticizing small parts of my life

                        in a desperate attempt

                        to survive

                    I tell myself it is too early to expect a straight line

                        from the broken path that is now my life

                    I tell myself to give it time

                    But

                    The small parts of me

                        that remain vigilant and strong

                        ignore most reason and logic

                        they race and run and constantly try to wrangle

                        the panic and fear and anger and despair

                        behind and with and toward

                            the romantic parts of me

                            that want and believe

                                those are the parts

                                no matter how small

                                that will ultimately save me

                            

                        

                    

                    

I Will Rise

 

I Will Rise

                    There's fog this morning in the city

                    I think that happens when clouds drop down from the sky

                    They settle close to the ground

                    Tired, I guess 

                    Exhausted

                    Resting for a bit before they again decide to rise

                    I know the feeling

                        of flying high

                    And then scrambling the next day

                    Searching for places to hide

                    It's happening to me

                    A rollercoaster ride

                    Reaching only highs I force myself to find

                    Lows that plummet me to the ground

                    Tired

                    Exhausted

                        emotions I have yet to define

                        so close to the ground

                        I feel I have become sometimes

                        dirt beneath the feet

                        of someone who once loved me

                    I say I will rise

                    I make myself rise

                    Even when parts of me are left behind

                        in the dirt

                        under the ground

                            burrowed where no one will find

                            those parts of me

                            I will leave

                                the seeds

                                that hide for now

                                the exhausted side

                                but I will one day rise

                                the whole of me

                                    grow from the scorched earth he's made of my life

                                    into the me I know myself to truly be

                                        not someone to be buried or to hide

                                            but a woman with too much pride

                                            to be kept on the ground

                                            to be nothing but light

                                I will rise

                    

                    

This Thing

 

This Thing

                        I am five months into the beginning of the thing

                            that will change the rest of my life

                        The thing I hadn't planned for

                        The thing I never saw coming

                        The thing that blew up and burned down 

                            my hopes and dreams and bridges I'd built for him and me

                        The thing that redefined my eternity

                        In the matter of one day

                        Everything in my life was changed

                        Over and over again I replay

                        Not just that one day, but a thousand days before

                        Trying to see and know how I was so blind to all

                            that was in front of me

                        Trying to see and know how for so many hours and days

                            I allowed them both to deceive me

                                To betray 

                        Strange, how you turn so much blame on yourself

                        In an attempt to reconcile a thing done to you

                        Strange, how I blame myself

                        For them not being true

                        For her using me to get to him

                        For him using me to get to her

                        But

                        Then

                        Mercifully

                        I forgive myself for the things I was blind to

                        And remember

                        It was because I

                            trusted

                            loved

                            believed

                        Neither would ever harm me

                        And that is not on me

                        Not even for one day within the thousands of days

                            Am I to blame

                            For their dishonesty

                        I am not completely blameless

                        That would be reckless to say

                        There were things even I did

                        That led to that one day

                        But

                        I will never take the blame

                        For what she's done to me

                        She, alone, must carry that shame

                        I will take some blame

                        For his apparent unhappiness

                        As

                        How can I not be 

                        He was a part of me

                        My other half

                        I was doing something, nothing, many things

                            he believed

                            gave him reason

                            to not be with me

                                anymore

                        There had to be

                        I need to be done with this thing they have done to me

                        I need them to take the blame and shame

                            and make what they can with the hurt and pain

                            they have caused

                            not just to me

                            but to my children and family

                        Take it

                        Make what they can with deceit and lies and betrayal

                            into their new life

                        Leave me to remake mine far from their blame and shame

                        Leave me to go on to survive

                            somehow

                            some way