Waiting to Survive
My heart constantly races these days
Mini panic attacks
It should remind me that I’m alive
But I know my heart is cracked
So, I can only imagine it is going to beat so hard one day
That it will beat its last
I heard a story about a woman’s dog that attacked her
Her beloved pet
Now I fear that too
That the dogs I depend on to protect me
To be with me
To adore me
Will soon turn on me
Like he turned on me
Much of what I held and hold as true
Now frightens me
Raccoons come at night to my chicken coop
They never get in
But they keep trying
One of my chickens died the day he left
He threw her in the trash
My son then came, buried her for me
Out in the back
Where so much love resides in the dirt
So many other beloved pets
I go over and over inside my head
The things I will miss
The things I do miss
The things I was missing
I was missing my heart racing
I was missing my heart reminding me we were alive
I was missing so many things that weren’t right
But now, I miss him in my life
And I will miss being his wife
One night the raccoons might get to my chickens
If that happens
I’ll bury them out back
Where there is so much love that resides in the dirt
Never again
Will I allow love
To be thrown in the trash
Panic attacks are not for the weary
Not for the weak
Not for the defeated
Panic is a kin to joy
The shrill in your body is just as extreme
While one feels darker
Panic feels darker
It is your heart and mind telling you
Stay alive
But the shrill of joy does that as well
Only with a bright light
Joy excites
Panic cries
The waiting is the hardest part
The waiting to survive
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