Vengeance
I wake most days crying
I'm not sure if tears are provoked by dreams
Or come immediately when I open my eyes
I don't want to believe
That even while I sleep
My mind finds no place to hide
from the sorrow that is burrowing into my life
My sadness is two fold
I have fear for the rest of my life
But
It is the disbelief
That he so suddenly no longer cared for me
That causes me the most strife
It is, that one day everything seemed fine
And then the very next day
He left me and all that was ours behind
To her bed
To her, as his new life
It is the rejection, the abandonment
Of, not just me, but our children
Our life, our marriage and home
Our plans, our pets, our past, our memories
Everything that seemed just fine
Until I found out
One Wednesday
He'd been living a secret life
Under my blind eyes
Behind my trusting back
He'd been secretly and blatantly
Risking all that we had
Not for days or months, even
But for years
With a best friend of mine
I don't know how to reconcile any of that
I try so hard to move on from sadness to anger
Anger will help me survive
I know this
And, the anger exists, absolutely
It is just not stronger yet
than the sorrow
I don't know when it will come
But ... I need it to come
I need to wake no more with tears
I need to wake tomorrow
with the strength that anger creates
to get me out of this
not feeling so broken and rejected
not feeling so lacking
not feeling so confused and abandoned
I need to wake tomorrow
Or soon
Free of this sadness I have for me
And I have for my children
I need to wake on the day
When my sorrow is replaced
with vengeance
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