A Million Minutes
I am lonely now so much of the time
With only my thoughts to torture me
I have planned three quarters of my life
A million minutes around what I wanted
What was intended to be
What was him and me
I don’t know how to change my life
From all I’ve ever known and desired for so long
I don’t know how he’s doing that
Three quarters of his life
Has been with me
I don’t know how to bottle this misery
And store it someplace far away
My mind won’t allow my soul and my heart
To release
To relieve
To free
I wake on each day
With a new sense of dread
More tears
More heart break
More fear
More anger
More hatred
She’s brought out the very worst side of him
He’s drawing out the darkest parts of me
I never imagined
Not for one day
Or over a million minutes
That this is where we would ever be
I don’t believe I was blind
While it is obvious I was blind
But he had convinced me
Over a million minutes
And forty years
That he would always be mine
I ponder constantly on what he has done
And it riles me to anger
He gave himself a place to land
She gave him a place to land
Even though I believe he’s trapped
He’ll never turn back
I don’t want him back
Not this cruel person he has become
But I am so lonely now so much of the time
Lonely for what he had convinced me
Was intended
Was a million minutes to come
Of us
Now
All the minutes only offer me
Torture
Thoughts of him with her
and not with me
“A lot can happen between now and never”
I heard that quote yesterday
My “never” constantly waivers
From day to day
I need my “never”
Set in the hardest stone
I need my heart and soul
To never forget
How alone he left me
How he threw all his clothes in the trash
How he threw my chicken in the trash
How he has never once said that he is sorry
How he has never once looked back
How he’s never once checked on me
How he sleeps in her bed in front of his own children
While he is still married to me
How he never called me
How he never touched me or saw me
How he never initiated not even one thing
To make me more happy
How he never made me believe
He had a foot out the door
Not ever
Never
In a million minutes
I need my heart and soul
To forever remind me
That his “nevers”
Are not as strong as
The “never” I will make into a million minutes
Of reminders
Of what he has done
To me and him
Of what he has done
To never be with me
Again
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