This Thing
I am five months into the beginning of the thing
that will change the rest of my life
The thing I hadn't planned for
The thing I never saw coming
The thing that blew up and burned down
my hopes and dreams and bridges I'd built for him and me
The thing that redefined my eternity
In the matter of one day
Everything in my life was changed
Over and over again I replay
Not just that one day, but a thousand days before
Trying to see and know how I was so blind to all
that was in front of me
Trying to see and know how for so many hours and days
I allowed them both to deceive me
To betray
Strange, how you turn so much blame on yourself
In an attempt to reconcile a thing done to you
Strange, how I blame myself
For them not being true
For her using me to get to him
For him using me to get to her
But
Then
Mercifully
I forgive myself for the things I was blind to
And remember
It was because I
trusted
loved
believed
Neither would ever harm me
And that is not on me
Not even for one day within the thousands of days
Am I to blame
For their dishonesty
I am not completely blameless
That would be reckless to say
There were things even I did
That led to that one day
But
I will never take the blame
For what she's done to me
She, alone, must carry that shame
I will take some blame
For his apparent unhappiness
As
How can I not be
He was a part of me
My other half
I was doing something, nothing, many things
he believed
gave him reason
to not be with me
anymore
There had to be
I need to be done with this thing they have done to me
I need them to take the blame and shame
and make what they can with the hurt and pain
they have caused
not just to me
but to my children and family
Take it
Make what they can with deceit and lies and betrayal
into their new life
Leave me to remake mine far from their blame and shame
Leave me to go on to survive
somehow
some way
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