The Treadmill
There are so many hard parts
About all of this
I hate going to the gym
When I go the gym, I count down the minutes
Until I can leave
That is how this has been
Hours and weeks and months
Getting past this, getting past that
Walking, what seems like forever on a treadmill
Aiming, relentlessly, toward some end
People, everyone, books and poetry and dialogs in movies
tell you that time heals
It is a cliche that is actually real
True
How each are healed is the mystery and the enemy
Will the scar fade away?
Are there too many scars, and some will heal
others will forever remain?
Will any new day offer promise?
offer reprise?
offer demise?
offer a desire to rise and stay in that place, and not
send you back to a treadmill
making you run in place?
I am far from the healing part
I have yet to surmise my number of scars
But
I have determined
Many, if not all, of the scars I will never again
allow to be inflicted on me
I have had time
To realize
Some of what was seriously missing
in my life
That I tolerated
For the sake of longevity
For love I thought we had
For the love I did have
But
Never again
In a new love I pray to find
Will I
Convince myself
His comfort, his desires, his demands, his sense of what is right or real
is more important
than mine
I have had time
To realize
There are many scars
That were there before all of this
That someone else can help heal
If I abandon the treadmill I am on
Find that person and place
Beyond this chaotic gym
I will never again
allow myself to do to me
the things I permitted him
My next love, and, there will be a next love
Will see me
Hear my words
Touch me constantly
Kiss me and hold me and make intense and wild love to me
He will reach for my hand
Watch when I enter a room
He will call me occasionally to say, "I just wanted to hear you."
He will rely on me for advice
Offer protection and guidance when I need it
He will tell me I am beautiful and I am his everything
He will do all of these things
that I do for the love of my life
Because
I will no longer convince myself that
only I doing these things
is right
I will no longer convince myself that
begging for love, to receive love
is love at all
it is scars
a trillion endless steps on a treadmill
I blindly inflicted on myself
There are so many hard parts
About all of this
The healing part is coming for me next
The part where
This part of my life has ended
And a new part begins
With a better ending I design for myself
With a love that is also for me
and not just for him
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