Night

 

Night

 

            I had a dream

               I intentionally walked out on a highway in front of a car

               I woke from the dream, not fearful for my own life, but the others I would have ended

            Despair in my waking hours followed me into sleep

            But then I was beholden to reality

 

            Sometimes at night I see spiders on the walls that aren’t really there

                An imaginary spider is almost more frightening than a real one

            They cause the same frightful reaction

                but you know you can’t kill them

 

            There was a year when I watched my mother cry every single day

            I thought I was watching life drain from her with each and every tear

            But even with the days and nights that drowned her in sorrow

            I never saw one day where she did not get dressed, fix her hair and make-up, be

                 the person she knew herself to be before that year of tears

            The tears eventually faded

            But they did change her face

 

            Every night I put my little dog to sleep in her crate

            I have done so for years

            I need to stop doing that

            She earned nightly freedom a long time ago

 

            I thought it would be the nights, but it is the mornings

               I have all day to rummage through a million thoughts, shed some tears

               All day to attempt to replace hopes and dreams, 

                    throw away the ones that will never be

               All day to explain the pain away in so many words

               All day to take too many steps, to move my body until it hurts

               All day to find people to fill the void

               All day to search for strength and purpose

               All day to find joy to disguise sorrow

               All day to know that the next day is another tomorrow

           The mornings offer only a beginning

               Of doing all those things again

 

            I know my face is changing

               I don’t know who it is I see

       But each day she rises, gets dressed, fixes her hair and make-up, so she can pretend 

          she is the person she knew herself to be before she feared the mornings, 

              before he changed her destiny