Escape
It’s taken a while
But now, when I close my eyes tight
I cry
The tears have been kept at bay
With anger and fury and disgust and battling my own defeat
away
I know I’m so much to blame
How can I not be?
I just don’t know what I did or didn’t do
I don’t know how I missed the signs, the red flags, the
apparent misery
I created in a life that had to escape from me
I think the failing is what is drowning me
Most
My inability to accept I was not worthy
I was not important
I was not considered
I was not respected
I was not protected
I was not chosen
After the millions of moments, he invested, and I invested
In a life together
He says, “She’s nice to me.”
A woman I’ve known to be so many things, but not nice
I want those sides of her that are hateful and mean and
hurtful and judgmental
To be inflicted on him
I believe they will be
And then he will know what I know her to be
Not me
Not nice
Not what he and I used to be
Their relationship is built on a foundation of lies
But many relationships begin that way and survive
Would I ever allow him to come back to me
If that happened
If he learned how horrible she can be?
I don’t think so
When I close my eyes real tight
I cry
For what I wanted us to be
We’ve not been close in a very long time
I deserve a man that wants to hold me
To touch me
To be close to me
That takes my calls
That calls me
Says, “I love you,” without prompting
He’s not that to me
He hasn’t been that to me for a very long time
But
I have to be so much to blame
How I can I not be
He was in my life one minute
And then
He ran as fast as he could to escape me
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