Stone on a Glassy Surface

 

Stone on a Glassy Surface

                    I live in the house he and I built

                    It is where we raised our children

                    It is where he and I grew together in so many ways

                    It is where we were to die together

                    Now

                    It is the house that holds only me and

                        so many memories

                    For weeks after he left, the house haunted me

                    and I became so angry

                    that he turned the place that held so much love

                        into a cemetery

                    I think I torture myself

                    A test of my strength, maybe

                    Some said I should change my bedroom

                        replace sheets, bedspread, rearrange the furniture

                    I have left it all the same, no changes

                    I think I want a constant reminder of what was done to me

                        so I will never forget

                        it was not me that did this

                            but them

                    Rejection has become my greatest fear

                    A fear I do not have much experience with

                    Not that I have not felt rejection

                    We all have, in many ways

                    But rejection associated with abandonment is a different animal

                    I know it intimately now

                    It is a reckless and wild and dangerous feeling

                    It is you, as a smooth stone thrown on a perfect, glassy surface

                        that skips and flies and skips and flies and skips and flies and then suddenly ...

                            you drop hard into the water

                                drowning

                                    alone, below in darkness

                    I walk the floors in our house

                    I touch the walls

                    I turn on Tvs in every room or music to be my company

                    I feel sad for myself when I make one meal and not two

                    I sleep on my same side of the bed at night

                        I never stray over to his

                    I am a sinking stone of a person

                    Music echoing from random rooms

                    In a bed with a too familiar bedspread

                        that drowns me each night in darkness

                            from what he did